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The Cynical Scribe's Guide to the Top Twenty of Infectious Disease Testing:June 2020 edition

If you need extra clues, contact [email protected]
Horizontales
We're #7 in the US, #5 in the EU, and the only one of the top twenty with the boss's name on the building.
We're #11 in the US and #10 in the EU. Even though we've been acquired, our new parent knows we've got the stronger infectious disease team, so our guys will probably come out on top.
We're #16 in the US and #17 in the EU. Our sales have been declining for a couple of years, but this CoV crisis has given us the look of Lazarus.
We're #12 in the US and #9 in the EU. We won the Quest immunoassay contract last year - perhaps the world's biggest - just in time for the CoV serology festival.
We're #8 in the EU and #8 in the US, but we are currently digesting #10, so next year we'll be #7.
We're #2 in both the EU and the US. 1,400 new syndromic panel systems flew out of our Salt Lake City plant during 1Q20.
We're #20 in the US and #16 in the EU. Our WASPs torment BD and our lawyers torment Puritan.
We're #6 in the US and #12 in the EU. We eat what our fearsome felines kill: $300k+ per cat per year.
We're #3 in the EU and #1 in the US. No we didn't hire Trump to tout our rapid CoV assay, but we understand the suspicion.
We're #4 in both the US and the EU. Be patient. Soon you'll see our alternative to Quidel's rapid CoV antigen test.
Verticales
We're #20 in the US and #15 in the EU. We showed microbiology labs what mass spec can do, and trained them to throw lots of money at us. We are now trying to train histology labs to throw money at us. It's taking longer.
We're #17 in the US, unranked in the EU. We defenestrated our CEO in February. If he had steered clear of the windows, he'd be a hero now.
We're #15 in the US and #18 in the EU. Thermo gave us 12% of our 2019 revenues and Bio-Rad gave us 5%. We've got big panels, small panels, and whatever you want in between.
We're #10 in the US and #19 in the EU. Our stock cost eleven bucks when the boss got here in 2009. Now it's worth $150+. Shareholders take turns washing his car every day.
We're #14 in the US but #7 in the EU. Traders at the Milan stock exchange are singing love songs about our shares from their balconies at night.
We're #5 in the US and #6 in the EU. We're good and fast, so don't expect us to be cheap.
We're #9 in the US and #11 in the EU. All our bacteriology competitors have culture systems and all our virology competitors have CoV serology. We got neither. That's why we sing the blues.
We're #18 in the US and #13 in Europe. We're bringing digital droplets to the SARS-CoV-2 wars.
We're #13 in the US and #21 in the EU. In 2014 some overpaid Carlyle bankers thought they were geniuses. Thanks to us, they are more humble now. So you see, we've performed a community service.
We're #1 in the EU and #3 in the US. We've got the biggest systems for central lab CoV molecular and serology, but no POC yet.